Perfect People, Honestly?

I have finally figured out what has been going on with me these past few days / weeks. I have been dealing with the emotions of rebellion. Wanting things that in the long run will get me into a lot of trouble, (ultimately my over active brain processes all of the consequences, thoroughly thought through; so I don't do actually do anything or ever will, but just spare me for a few minutes). I have been selfish, doing my own thing and consumed in my own world (wondering how to get out). For the first time I am taking care of myself and doing what I want. For the majority of my life I have put other people before thinking about myself. Even being a Christian (as much as I hate the term) was lived for other people. When I prayed it was for other people. Spending time with God, for other people so that when I was put before others I would be prepared. Please don't get me wrong, I love God and that will never change. He has done too much, He has shown me too much for me to turn my back on him. That will never happen, guaranteed.

In my current state of mind I am tired of attempting to be perfect all the time in front of people, attempting to be those expectations that were placed on me that were highly unattainable. (In reality, no one wants a perfect person, not even God. He had one of those 2,000 years ago. That was plenty. So why do we all try so desperately to be perfect? Trying to attain the unattainable?) People expect certain things from certain people. If you are an artist, you are expected to be a bit quarky and crazy. If you are a business owner, you are expected to be professional and punctual. If you are a pastor or some sort of clergy, you my friend, have to be perfect. You are expected to be professional, punctual, kind, generous with everything (time, money, emotions, family, advise, energy and resources), friendly, pleasant, endearing, happy, peaceful, gentle, understanding, and wise, all the time, never skipping a beat. Who, ladies and gentleman, can or will actually be all of those things? Would you want to be around some one like that? A person who always does things right according to our standards is dreadful to be around because you constantly feel unworthy, incompetent, and a down right scum bag. You respect them and maybe even admire them, but you wouldn't want to be their friend or go hang out at the local coffee house with them. So the conclusion to all of this madness is this: I will no longer attempt to live up to or below anyone's standards or expectations that I have felt they have placed on me. I am bringing the standards that I have on myself to a humanly attainable position. Also I am going to serve God for myself not for other people. I am going to spend time with God because I want to, not because that is what I need to do to prepare to meet someone or I have a friend going through some hard times. I want to be known not for being a great person, but for a human being who hurt and bled, cried and laughed, broke and felt, questioned and wondered, searched and found, wise and scared, loved passionately and grieved deeply. I want to be known as a human being who had ups and downs, wanted things intensely and was unsure about a lot of things. No longer will I be known as a super human person, I will just be known as a human being set apart like the rest of the world.