then..... now...... later......

Hello everyone. I apologize for the long absence. Things have been very very crazy in my life. In order for everything to make sense I need to put it all in context for you. :)

In January of this year I flew up to Kansas City, MO to meet a friend of whom I had met through her blog online. She and I had been speaking on the phone for about three months and decided we wanted to meet. It had felt as though we had known each other our entire lives. Almost living parallel lives on two different continents. Upon arriving in Kansas City I was engaged to a boy I had known on and off since I was eleven. Life for me, as I knew it, was in a whirl wind I could comprehend much-less get a grip on. I was overwhelmed, distraught and most definitely bewildered. See the funny thing was I didn't love him. I had always told myself that I could love anyone if God told me to and gave me the capacity to especially if He called me to marry whoever that was. But for some reason I couldn't love this guy, especially the way he needed me to. It was then that I realized I had not only been fooling myself and wasn't hearing from God in any of those areas. Anyway, while I was in Kansas City, God showed me a lot about myself and my future. He gave me a beautiful friendship with a girl who lived on the other side of the world and out of that time spent in a place that was very strange a trip of a lifetime would be established. It was planned I would go to England to visit my new friend and spend my twentieth birthday in one of the most beautiful countries on the earth.

On April twenty-ninth, I flew to London Heath-row where I was picked up by my gorgeous best friend. We spent what started out to be a three week trip into a six week journey. God did so many incredible things in the both of us. May seventh, the day before my birthday, we took a train into London where we were ready for God to take us wherever He wanted us to go and do whatever it was He wanted us to do. We made nine spinach, cheese and mushroom sandwiches to give to the homeless that we saw. The absolutely hysterical thing is we couldn't find a homeless person to save our lives. We arrived at eleven in the morning and until six that evening there was not a one in sight. So we wondered around the streets of London eating the amazing sandwiches that we made. It wasn't until we went to the train station an hour early, sat down to wait, that a beautiful lady in her mid thirties came up to us asking for money of which we had none. We asked if we could pray with her and she said that she had just given her heart to the Lord a couple days back and had been praying every night since but He (God) wasn't doing anything and she was about to give up. She had a very horrible infection on her right leg and had tried to get help but the hospital wouldn't look at her unless she had been referred by a homeless nurse and in order for her to be referred she had to stay the night at a Salvation Army of which cost seven pounds and she had nothing. She had been begging for a while and everyone kept turning a cold shoulder. We had no money but we had an old spinach sandwich that we gave her and she went on to the next person begging. As she walked away my friend, Claire, watched her go from person to person each shrugging her off or not paying any attention at all. All of a sudden Claire got up and left saying she would be right back. When she returned she had this lady, Paula, on her arm and asking me to come over and pray with her. God had told Claire to go to an ATM and take out forty pounds, give Paula thirty and keep ten. Claire did as He asked her to. Paula was overcome with joy asking her why she had done this. Claire said, "Your Father wants you to know how much He loves you. Here take this, get yourself a nice warm bed for tonight and tomorrow get that leg looked at." Paula was in tears. Claire asked if we could then pray with her and she quickly agreed saying she wasn't going to turn her back on God now. He had shown Himself to her. And what of the extra ten pounds that God asked her to take out? Only He was planning ahead on that one. Since we arrived so late, our train getting in at eleven thirty or so, we took a cab home which cost us nine pounds even! :)

The following week we took a road trip. One that changed my life forever. We left Southampton going to Cardiff, Whales on to Swansea where we went to visit Reese Howells Bible school and on to Mumbles (where I am going to retire and harass the nurses and other old people in a nursing home) then through the beautiful country of Whales hitting all three coasts! Pretty impressive if you ask me. We crossed back over to England and drove through the Lake District, camping in one of the most spectacular camp sights in Wasdale Head near Wastwater lake. The next morning we drove up to Glasgow, Scotland to visit some of Claire's family. They are beautiful people. Then the next day we went to Carlisle and spent the afternoon with more family and on to Shipley and Bradford where we visited Smith Wigglesworth grave and the Salvation Army that he preached at all the time in the early years. Such an amazing time with God I had there. On to Peterbough where we stayed with more family and hung out with God and friends. I was so blessed that we were able to be a blessing to her family all the way around. We wrapped everything up with Oxford and St. Aldates church for Sunday morning service where they served communion. I would have to say one of the most powerful communion's I have ever had. It was amazing! That afternoon we went home, back to Southampton. Six days. Fifteen hundred miles. And two incredibly changed girls.

After packing up Claire's life to go to Mozambique, Africa we headed to her parents house to fill out the remainder of our time in England. On June fourth we both went to the airport and said goodbye to each other each going our separate ways. To sum up my time there would be very difficult. The best way to describe it would be, I found my home, my family, my niche. In all the places I have ever traveled England is where my heart is. In some ways I wish it weren't, but in others I'm glad it is.

Since my return things have been less than desirable. I came back to my birth city and picked up the life that I had before leaving. I worked and slept and worked some more, trying to somehow balance it all. One of the most difficult things I found over this summer was how to balance life, love and my relationship with God. And after reading a whole heck of a lot of blogs, talking to a lot of people and seeing others lives, the whole balance thing isn't just something I'm finding difficult. My birth city is a very difficult place to live. I'm not completely sure if its because I know everyone and their pet monkey's or if its just generally a difficult place. When I was a kid I would cry out God to take me to the most difficult place on the earth, I was strong enough, I could handle it. I quickly learned this summer that without holding His hand through it all, I'm really not that strong and I don't want to go to the darkest place on earth.

In middle February, my fiance and I came to an agreement. I was planning my trip to England and had realized that I didn't love him truly and didn't know if God had asked me to marry him or not. I was confused and bewildered. I had begun to doubt everything, including my sanity. We agreed that we would call off the engagement, I would go to England and when I returned we would talk and see where things were at. Upon returning from England, I was driving through the place that he lived and wondered if he wanted to get together. I had driven all through the night and had only obtained a few hours of sleep of which I was not coherent. So our conversation was very unproductive. Neither of us have spoken of anything since but have sealed that part off in our hearts. I have no intentions of anything ever happening with him in the future however much he is a good guy.

About five weeks ago Claire arrived in America to visit me. About a week into the trip we went horse riding in the mountains where she was thrown off breaking her right elbow and her left shoulder. We spent the next three and a half weeks in splints and slings, erasing personal space completely. It is truly amazing how much you take for granted the littlest things never comprehending the extent of which you use your arms until that ability is taken from you, or taken from your best friend. This has been one of the most burdensome and distressing events of my life thus far. I have learned a great deal in it and yet have major regrets in how I dealt with it all. I am so grateful for God's grace and mercy that covers every place that I am lacking.

So I currently sit back in northern California where my happy place is. I am trying to sort out life again. Things have been very fuzzy. I don't like things fuzzy. I'm not sure how long we will be here. My cousin, whom we're staying with has to be in southern California on the thirtieth of this month, which means we will be back in my birth city just in time for Claire and I to fly out. I am spending Christmas in England with Claire's family and then hopefully going to a design school there. All of which are still in the works, so please pray.

God is awesome and on the move! Learning to go with the tide and not against it, flowing with His heartbeat and not against it, holding His hand constantly not letting go for a second is what I am still working on. I'm glad that His grace is abundant and His love is unconditional! In all that life brings, relying on Him for the answers, direction and wisdom is always the best choice no matter what anyone tells you.

"In the end I want to get to heaven and God say, 'You didn't even come close but I loved to watch you try.' than for Him to turn me away for not even trying cause it looked or felt too hard!" - Josh Duffy